FROM SOUP TO NUTS: THOUGHTS OF A VICE - SHEIK. (2)

 by Vice-Shiek Steve O'Connor

 Saturday April 7th and time to head down South in honour of Laurel & Hardy. My nap on the bus down to Dublin was interrupted at the border when the Guards asked everyone to get off; (surely I wasn't going to get arrested again?). I tried to look innocent as we were instructed to stamp our feet on a disinfectant mat, "But officer, I'm not on intimate terms with any livestock". We were then returned to our bus, a little bemused but presumably no longer a threat to the farm animals of Ireland….

Arriving in Dublin I was met by a friend I had not seen for seven years. Colin and I had played rugby together in Canada; more recently he has lived in Holland and by chance had arranged to be in Dublin that weekend.We went out to Blackrock rugby club to watch a game and I was introduced to Fergus Slattery - he seemed to be less impressed than I was. Wunderkind Brian O'Driscoll had apparently never heard of a vice-sheikh either - go figure.

Rugby over, we made a mad dash for the Central Hotel for the Jitterbugs meeting. Liam was struggling to get the projector working; so fulfilling an earlier prophecy, "It's been going great all week so it will break down on the night". Yep. Fortunately the recalcitrant machine got its act together and the show commenced, (accompanied by several unprintable remarks from friend Colin who could not exactly be described as a fan).

* I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. - Steven Wright *

Again, the turnout could have been better, but it was great to see some new faces and a good number stayed behind for a chat and a drink. Show over, it was time to find my hotel - not encouraged by taxi driver, "Never heard of it mate". Anyway, hotel was eventually located, and if it wasn't for the English lads holding a stag party in the next room I might even have got some sleep. Who would be a vice-sheikh I ask ye?

To conclude, here is the next in the new series of Laurel and Hardy moments. (Concerned dog lovers should note that this story is probably an urban legend. That is to say that it has achieved popular currency without any evidence that it actually happened -Lucky Dog!)

They Go Boom!

A guy in Michigan buys a new Grand Cherokee Jeep for $30,000. To celebrate he decides to go duck hunting with a friend. Unfortunately, all the lakes are frozen. Undaunted by the climatic reality of Northern Michigan these guys go to a lake with their guns, a slate of beer, a dog, the new Jeep and some dynamite.

They drive out on to the lake and get ready. It's going to take something to make a hole large enough to create a duck landing sight. So, out of the new jeep comes the dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

The guys light the fuse, throw the dynamite as far as they can, and retreat. Remember the dog? This highly trained black Labrador takes off after the dynamite (stick) in order to retrieve it to owner. Despite the two idiots yelling, stomping and waving arms, the faithful mutt speeds back with its deadly cargo.

In desperation one of the guys grabs a shotgun and starts shooting at the dog - he misses. The dog takes cover with the now very short fuse still burning. Where does the dog go for cover: under the brand new Jeep Cherokee of course.

The dynamite explodes killing poor dog and sending Jeep to the bottom of the lake. Insurance Company later tells owner that Jeep is not covered by illegal use of explosives on a lake.

Moral: Do not try this at home…or, don't train your dog to fetch sticks.